I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
Dude. Muppets take manhattan on netflix instant. Pass my midterm or relive my childhood? Tough decision.
The 30 seconds of sex was almost worth it...I mean he did smoke me out and watched the princess and the frog with me
I'm not gonna lie. having my legs shaved for me in the morning was a lovely surprise.
As i lay in bed, clutching my face, i'm starting to believe your dick in my eye story.
I think I've reached that age where I should start dating "congrats" and not "are you keeping it?"
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
Turns out, his fucking is as lame and staggered as his NFL career.
The number of people who end up getting laid as a result of the cha cha slide....is terrible.
Fuck you asshole. You cost me cheerleader pussy.
She invited me to Bikini Yoga with her friends. Sounds promising.
You know, we cock-blocked like 5 people last night. It's like we're her vagina goalies
In 2009 his now husband dressed in a sailor onesie and heels for pride so he needs to REMEMBER how to party
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
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