Just because i have a masturbation problem doesnt mean you can put 20 photos of Jesus in my room.
Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
Get caught with marijuana. Cop takes piece. Buy new bong. Circle of fun.
Now you know for the next time you go in the basement to wear a helmet
Call me old fashioned but i like to drunk dial a girl 2 or 3 times before sending a dick pic
he doesn't even text me anymore.. he just facebook chats me a shark emoticon which has turned into code for 'be naked at my house in 15 mins'
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
Trying not to look at her chest is like trying to not hear a fire engine racing by.
i passed out twice in the shower, twice on the bathroom floor, once holding the toilet bowl and 8 times moving from the bathroom to my bed. Tequila sucks.
I got my eyebrow ring humped out. How is that even possible?
We've been watching Scooby Doo and having sex for the past 36 hours, so life is great
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
I wish I could say this wasn't the first time I shit myself in a Piggly Wiggly.
Sometimes being bisexual is a curse. Turns out I banged both of her older twin brothers last summer.
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
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