kevin brought a 6ft brunette runway model with him tonight. Now, im not sure what the fuck the color of the " i get it, its over, Im ugly" flag is.... but i'll wave it.
Why do my balls have what looks like rust on them?
i have to go- we're throwing the dummy from the balcony again
She told me my parents were awesome for leaving me uncircumcised...
I was still in a towel. We hadn't even started drinking yet and the champagne bottle dropped and exploded literally up into my vagina.
Omg I just met another drunk guy that is teaching me karate
Yeah thats cool. We can play the alphabet game while doing bumps of coke in the back of his volswagon
Names, who you're caught in bed with, both minor details
I just got a lap dance from a sexy cop in return for giving him his sunglasses back. I think this is going to be the beginning of a really great friendship
I have been drunk every time I've gone to mexico. I do not remember mexico.
Need to find a Santa hat to fit my penis, he deserves to be festive too.
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
SpongeBob is life. I once broke up with a guy bc he said SpongeBob was stupid.
Standing naked in my kitchen making nachos. I love my youth.
Randomize
