Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
and then he said that the only reasonable explanation as to why I got swine flu was because all I ever do is join the bandwagon
Everytime I am with a guy I hope his penis is as big as yours. It never is. Thanks for setting that bar.
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
It was close. I was the girl scoping out where all the garbage cans were located in the class just in case.
This is why you don't heavily drink before 2 midterms.
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
he left a full can of coors light underneath my windshield wiper, like a love note. if that's not husband material, i don't know what is
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
Something must have happened, they started yelling truffle butter and you said we needed to leave NOW
he called me ma'am when we were fucking last night...he's five years older than me. I think I'm in love.
I think that maybe Alyssa may of had too much to drink. is it normal for her to straddle random people in quizno's?
Well I hate to admit it but at this point I can successfully say i have been pee'd on by both of my roommates.
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
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