I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
Just because we buy weed together doesn't mean were a couple
It's like that depressing moment when you drop your cocaine in the snow.
He offered to drive me out of state to meet up with my fuck buddy. Like best brother in law ever.
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
My vag is like the Sahara
Ew that's gross.
The sad truth. Barren and empty.
I remember sitting in your lap naked saying I don't want to be all looks while you gently rocked me back and forth
I got so high that I ate a protein bar while in the shower. I then proceeded to leave half the protein bar and the wrapper on the ledge in my shower. Haha oh well.
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
I don't fucking know. He perched his parrot on his dick. I left after that.
im gonna shove his purity ring down his throat
I think I'm gunna glue a sign to my head that says "WAKE ME UP BEFORE 7!" And go to sleep and hope a kind passer by wakes me up for my exam .
It shouldn't be this hard to find someone who you haven't blown.
Randomize