I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
Its trashy in the best of ways. Like a stripper working to pay for college.
What a good family we'd make, him and I and our kids and his good dick.
Um I just overheard that the new guy spent a month in jail. Obvi another great hire.
She shouted out halfway through "that costume does nothing to hide your cock". Last time we let her drink at the theatre.
I respect the size of her balls.
Yeah but I don't respect the size of her anything else.
I told you he wasn't attractive.
Do you think I cared? I was wiping myself with a scarf..
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
i got home safe but then alex started a fire so now we're at the hospital
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
i asked her if she was sure that she was ready to do it and she replied with "come at me bro"
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
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