I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
Its the little things i like about bein home like having actual toilet paper instead of subway napkins
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
Drunk me cleaned my room for me. Needless to say our relationship has improved greatly
I don't think we had sex because when I woke up he was still wearing the chicken suit.
Last night dinner was cinnamon buns and whiskey. At least tonight I had a fajita with my cookies and tequila. I may be a little stressed about these end of semester tests.
She just asked to come over. She's either going to bring one of her dads guns and kill me or we're going to end up having insane lesbian sex.
Yes, if by 'finishing my business' you mean vomiting in her bathtub and losing my watch.
I'm pretty sure I asked his brother if he was gay while drunkenly falling to the ground.
he just used a semicolon in the middle of a sext
Thank god I work in a lab. This pinkeye is out of control and my safety glasses are the only thing stopping me from digging at my eye with a pen
Sorry for prompting a philosophical penis discussion at 10:45 on a Friday night.
I twisted my ankle while drunkenly playing in my adult kickball league. Now I'm having to use my grandpa's cane to walk at this party. I am so single.
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