dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
I havnt been this mad since the coche de Los murtos incident
Come 10 years my vagina won't look like this. I must cherish it
Scott woke me up by cracking a beer open in my face. Best friends are awesome.
Fat lady wearing Shape Up's. I would feel bad making crude comments, but she has to know it's coming.
we got plastered, then made lists of anything thats ever been in our vaginas
I know. Brad is upset because he was lower on the list than "that carrot stick"
Cause i'm hanging over the toilet bowl and thinking about your ball in my mouth is not helping
Trying to figure out which chair my head was under last night
sorry to break it to you, but he's definitely fucking that other girl now...
I wish I still at least had the bruises on my ass to remember him by.
Oh you know same old same old. just eating pizza after faking extreme night terrors to get a one night stand to leave my apartment
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
New fact of life: getting Becca high never helps any situation at all ever.
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
Randomize
