now I regret adding my aunt on facebook. she remnded me today on my wall about the importance of checking my stools for blood since I have diaherria.
We told her to calm down. She said "I'm Buddha!". Then army crawled to the cooler for more vodka.
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
Drunk and alone at a magic show is what my life has become without you
Date idea: we should go to the store and buy all the different kinds of Lay's and eat them all
I no longer believe that the road to self esteem is through his penis.
Pretty sure i brought my phone charger to a booty call
im far more worried about your salsa intake than your weed intake
I snuck out three pillows from the hotel i was rolling so hard. They are like little clouds. I regret nothing.
I would professionally fuck the shit out of her
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
help. there is a guy in a bunny costume.
So I have three weeks to get rid of his girlfriend and fuck him senseless before he goes to jail
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
I just made myself 3 peanut butter sammies because I was too hungry to watch porn
Randomize