sorry if i was weird last night, had weird deja vu that we had done that before, i mean with the peanut butter.
we had.
well that explains the rash. i dont think i should see you again.
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
My doctor literally wrote on the script NO SEX
Saw the college gyno today. It has now been medically confirmed that I have a perfect vagina.
she didnt realize that i was putting on the same condom i used the night before with some other girl
hes out at the street wearing a tophat and a monocole and carrying a cane and greeting every car that drives by
he just went across the street and into someones house and we could hear him inviting them over from the front porch
Last night after the bar I went home and ate a pulled pork sandwich in a bubble bath
Would fucking the college coach be against recruiting rules?
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
In other news it turns out I like Heineken.. In a desert island kind of way
Mischief managed.
YOU ARE NOT A MARAUDER, WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO NOW?
No, I'm not a weirdo, I keep bondage straps under my matress like a normal person, not a diary.
I feel like I should have held a press conference. The state of my vagina
I woke up to find I still had sequins under my tits. I'd say Sunday was a success.
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
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