I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
I farted on Jack's balls last night. He got pissed and walked away cause he knew it was on purpose. I couldn't hold it in anymore.
i want to major in coloring with an emphasis on crayons.
so finals studying is going well?
She literally crushed my balls between her butt cheeks. It was both the greatest and worst thing ever. Dancers are awesome.
i just complicated the hell out of my summer by fucking him this early on
Tonight when I'm getting a bj from a stripper I'm gonna imagine it's you bobbing down there
It was drunk tag. I was Alice in wonderland chasing a ballerina who was chasing Lance Armstrong who had needles in his arms.
So both cops helped talk her into coming back into the bar and doing a shot with me. The main argument being, "a bar is no place to be sober!"
watched my neighbor eat five yodels, mow his lawn, and then cry on his porch after the party... what did you give him?
I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date.
I had to get my boss birth control a work today. I knew going to ASU would come in handy in my career someday.
Marrying her is the worst scenario of any. That includes death and zombies.
Maverick's sitting in jail wearing a turkey costume and I am soooo jealous.
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
Randomize
