I just tried to drunkenly fart the beat of Disturbia by Rihanna
i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
I just found out why they dont make table-dance tables out of glass.
gay flight attendant. racoons. kegels. bartender with missing teeth. too many birthdays. fucckk.
If you say no to drinking on a Monday then I'm going to take you to the hospital for a MRI
Lest we forget our veterans. Also that two years ago I lost my virginity on this day in a hot tub. Go me for being the worst person on earth.
You were too drunk yesterday to deal with me crying so I am too drunk to deal with logic.
You know the cave of wonders in Aladdin? That's how I feel about his apartment. Except with blow and other treasures.
I apparently used the line "I'm a bouncer too so i would know if I were too drunk" then they asked me to leave.
They were so huge my eyes were just drawn to them. Boob gravity man.
I offered to give him "road head" while he played GTA 5. I think he will be more optimistic about date night in the future.
I was told that I need a reference for my blow job skills. Be expecting a phone call tomorrow.
I can't believe the police had to bring me to my booty call last night
They gave my sperm a pep talk after they found out we were trying.to have.a baby.
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
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