The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
the doormen always congratulate him in spanish as he walks me downstairs in the morning
My family just suggested tequila shots. I had Vietnam style flashbacks.
I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
some random kid just walked into our apartment with two cases... I don't know who he is but I like him
i'm pretty sure i just ruined some dude's romantic riverside sunset proposal by running outside and puking in a bush.
Somewhere during foreplay he said something about me only being with two other guys... I just went with it cause we have never had that conversation...
Its going to be drunk as shit/pirate themed. Im dressing as the former.
He said it was fake. Like really? Hey baby, I wanna sleep with you, so here's a picture of a fake tiny dick
You dropped my mother on the dance floor. She has a concussion. You didn't apologize. Don't speak to me for a while.
Yo making cake in the shape of a penis is no easy feat
My mom just busted me rolling a blunt on her bathroom counter. ...all she said was fuck it it's Christmas
Concept: I never actually flirt with anyone, I'm just a bitch and some people find it endearing
Everyone else's "needs" are getting in the way of my alcoholism.
Randomize