the only plus side is that now I'll be able to tell my son not to trust the condoms that his college gives away..........
I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
The bartender laughed but the manager kicked me out when the mom conplained. There's no way my fart harmed that baby in any way
I'll probably just lay on my couch bra-less sipping wine out of a straw so I don't have to lift my head.
You stuck your entire fist into a full jar of peanut butter and starting assaulting people
Kinda sad when you get home on a Sunday morning and the paper guy HAND DELIVERS the newspaper to you...,
ok so I've decided, new penis Thursday (formally known as new people Thursday) will need to be put on hold next week in preparation for Friday
Memorial weekend is the following week genius. New penis Thursday countdown has already begun.
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
We got a kitchen table so we would eat together more. So far we've played drunken monopoly and had sex on it.
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
all I got out of honors convocation is I've hooked up with a lot of smart guys
BUT DID YOU RIDE THAT DICK INTO THE SUNSET THO?
Wait wait wait. You are actually taking advice from this lunatic?
This is the girl who got a balloon full of cocaine through security no questions asked. Of course I'm taking her advice.
Valid.
How did the surgery go?
My face feels like a marshmallow.
sorry i was ignoring you last night i accidentally did a bunch of pcp and thought i was inside tron
Randomize
