i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
Well yesterday i made out with the entire football team and rifht at this very moment our waiter looks like a ken doll. Straight up. And he gave me wine so ill probly make out with him
college has opened so many doors for you
PS: the photo I uploaded for this internship site is the same one i used for my fake ID. I like to keep it classy.
Just saw the hottest 4 garbage men ever. They should make a calendar
My professor just used the phrase "balls deep in your mind". My day is officially made.
Was that picture taken before or after I supposedly punched him in the face?
At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.
I couldn't help thinking that my sock monkey was judging me
I LOVE DRINKING BOOZE OUT OF A FUCKING LAMP
I just want you to know that I'm, like, 45% hard right now.
I'm definitely going to class still drunk right now and the freshman dressed as Hugh Heffner last night is texting me. I can't handle this.
i just came to a realization. Besides probably food, in my lifetime i think i have spent more money on legal fees than anything else
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
You’re not his type
I’ve got blonde hair and great tits. I’m every man’s type
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