my girlfriends now gay ex-boyfriend kissed me. tell maddie i can't hangout today
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
shes still asleep dad put a lobster in her bathroom
I feel like I should come with a warning like "Orgasm free since 1983"
I just dropped my cookie in my glass of milk and looked at it for ten minutes. Thanks for telling me you made weed cookies.
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
How much is that going to cost?
A lot of beer.
pain. pain everywhere. this is why throwing yourself at concrete is a bad idea.
Fell twice in five points. on my face. literally during a cross walk. The cars just went around me. 21st birthday memories right there
I told you, I'm taking a sledgehammer to your walls. Fuck your walls.
I'm Batman.
stoners and superglue do NOT mix
I just remembered that you tried to trade me for a glass of wine
I mean, it was a fun hookup and he's cute and whatnot, but he wouldn't go down on me. Plus he's a republican. Idk why but those things feel like they go hand in hand.
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
I am mildly hung over. Decided pants are very unnecessary right now.
Randomize
