dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
I just watched a video of Justin Bieber kissing a girl..... the sad thing is that I actually got upset.
I'm using process of elimination to determine which of our neighbors i fucked last night.
yeah...i noticed he pets people when he's drunk. It's odd.
He kept waking up periodically throughtout the night to bit my ear and pass back out.
I'm really sorry I gave you road head last night and made you drive over and break the sprinkler system.
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
library dates and plan B? He is looking like a great catch.
$645 later, she's throwing up in my washroom and asking for a cab. Hooker are soooo much cheaper.
If I drank a glass of water for every drink I had I'd die of water intoxication like some tweaked out looser at a rave
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
I think my teeth are moving, they feel like people.
That's how pantless uber rides happen
Randomize
