so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
there was a party in your bed and you weren't invited... change your sheets
about to tell this girl that sh'es my teenage dream. you have 15.358s to stop me.
all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
since i'm not going, you must continue my tradition of flashing every person there.
Also, my drunkenly packed sleepover kit consisted of a singular sock, my uncharged laptop, and a pack of post-it notes.
Hooker in the library. I repeat, we have a hooker in the library. This is not a drill.
HE'S LICKING FROSTING OFF OF THE EIGHTEEN YEAR OLD BOY
I have been drunk every time I've gone to mexico. I do not remember mexico.
I was gonna turn him down, but he correctly identified a song from Pocahontas.
I woke up at like 4 am with an old Korean woman cuddling me. I assure you she was not there when I went to sleep.
I just had sex with the Sheriff's Deputy. You should call me.
I think I should've done my makeup before I took the acid. Because now I just feel silly looking at myself in the mirror
You’ll lick BBQ off my cock but no ketchup on a hotdog?
Ummm so he didn't think I was serious about breaking up... Most awkward conversation ever
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