My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
Apparently there was a point in the night that they literally thought he was dead, ass naked on the floor. That bad.
We made it a contest to fuck on everything in your room while you were on vacation.
I just realized I turned down a booty call too. To make cheesecake. God help us all
True. On an unrelated note I helped post bail for both of our ex girlfriends last night. Russian roulette: guess which one is pregnant?
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
Thinking about wearing all black to the bar tonight since I'll be attending my liver's funeral.
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
Last night was like blooper reel sex. He dropped me!!
Doing the walk of shame from the back of a Jeep to the porta potty it's parked next to while your dad watches is not what you want.
We never leave a bad bitch behind. its a party foul..we'll find you somehow
I can still taste your cum in my mouth and my in-laws are coming over. This should go well.
THIS IS WHAT CELL PHONES ARE FOR! So you can tell me that you're bringing your coworker who lives in the "Halleleuia community" home for a beer SO I'M NOT DRESSED IN LEATHER LINGERIE WHEN HE WALKS IN THE FUCKING DOOR!!
She's like a cask of Amontillado. Very tempting if I was drunk, but sober, I know I'll get fucked over in the end.
He was eating me out on a samsung washing machine and as soon as I came, I heard the "end of cycle" song. That tune will now always remind me of the screaming, multiple orgasms I recieved tonight!
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