hes a soccer player too.. you'd think he has better penis eye coordination
he yelled "RELEASE THE KRAKEN" then hit me with his dick
we couldnt tell if he was gay so we started working glee quotes into the conversation to see if he noticed.
You were directing traffic around her for 30min after she passed out in the middle of the road.
You really are best friends.
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
She wants an explanation of my cousins creepy foot fetish with my god sister. i don't know how I can sum this up in a text.
GLITTER SLIP N SLIDE MUTHAFUCKAH~
Dude, I puked in the stall for God knows how long. Halfway through, a kid sits down in the stall next to me and starts jacking off, i heard the porn on his phone and everything. so FYI, the middle stall is where good nights go to die
Lets trade lives
And i will lay in bed and piss all over everywhere, drink whiskey and have sex with married bears
I was just like oh sorry I'm peeling meanwhile my legs are on either side of his head and I look like a fucking Komodo dragon
these people use weed stems as birthday cake candles. I'm never coming home
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
still can't believe dude took a personal call while he was balls deep in my mouth.
I look excited, but its just a facade.
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