if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
it will be a sad day when drinking racks of keystone isnt socially acceptable anymore
we just plugged the camera up to the big screen. would you like to come see what you did last night, in high definition?
all i remember was you yelling "look at my little feet" at everyone on the way home from the bar.
In the middle of having sex, she said "if we continue, we're dating." I then pulled out and sat in the corner, naked. I deserve a Medal of Honor.
She's still too new to the group to be comfortable with us just sitting down as a group and watching porn on the tv.
Your headphones are on the door knob and I left you a burger on the door step.
As yoda would say; A bitch, she is.
I was unconscious Saturday for like 6 hours after I passed out on the sidewalks of our nation's capital. Thank you America, for bottomless brunch.
I didn't want to have shaved for no reason, so I told him I'd blow him if he would just come over and appreciate the smoothness of my legs.
I totally have a huge crush on him though which is fucking up my "classy she-demon with limited feelings" vibe
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
You've discovered your super power: Your Vagina
walked into my room this morning clutching two empty bottles of sminoff to find my roommate's ultra conservative parents staring at my posters of naked men. fuck parents weekend.
I really need to get to the point where I can poop at his house. I’ve taken three shits on the way home already.
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