My dignity? Collapsing on itself like a dying star.
She described it as "a squirrel being hit by a hurricane"
I can't lisssten to Lou Holtzsss ssspeak anymore
And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
I really should sober up and deal with this hangover
It seems to be one of those life decisions I'm perfectly content never making though
this is really not the time to pretend we have morals
Fun fact: female penguins have sex in exchange for pebbles to build nests. I now know what im being for halloween
i robbed the continental breakfast last night
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
Next time we're there I want drunk pics of us trying to ride the stone lions downtown. Don't even attempt to fight me on this.
you goin out tonight?
who is this.
your orgasm for tonight
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
He made me brush his hair afterwards because it made him feel like a ken Barbie.
God I hope the sex was good.
Can we just get drunk and watch the Birdcage please I have no tolerance for straight men today
There's a bull to ride and dancing on the bar is encouraged. This is my heaven. And this is why god made leopard tube tops.
Randomize
