It's tuesday, which means cocktails followed by cocktales.
So apparently I threw a potted plant at a clown last night and told him to get his life together.
They are fixing my bike for free, trying to smoke me out, and their kids keep hugging me.
Listening to Ke$ha's new single to pump myself up for my STD test.
I wasn't that drunk, I know my limits. When peeing became difficult I stopped taking shots.
I guess I just stopped wanting to rip his balls out and started being okay with him being alive. that's a typical feeling for exes right?
ERIN AND I ARE GETTING MATCHING VIBRATORS. I'M PEER PRESSURING YOU INTO JOINING THE CLUB. Besides we're the three best friends that anyone could have, you better not ruin that by being a pussy and not treating your pussy to awesomeness. That is all.
He told me the hickey on the side if his neck was actually a "bruise" from hitting a bird on his motorcycle. I'm not sure what's more impressive, the fact people believed him due to the size of the mark or the fact you gave it to him.
he came during what was supposed to be the foreplay blowjob. there goes my evening.
Oh my god, it's like someone broke the off button in my butthole
Gay?
German.
Pity.
U NO SLUT. YOUR HEART IS JUST FREE.
It's taking all of my will power not to chug this margarita. This must be the life of an adult...
Girl in front of me just swan dove into the middle of the carpeted hallway, stood up, clapped for herself, and then continued walking. My life is complete.
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
Randomize
