i think i gave myself a perma-hangover. or god just hates me.
I'm sorry i'm just too high to handle anything besides pirates of the caribbean right now.
it was funny though when you first woke up you pointed at my shoe and said i need my jacket and then put my shoe on your hand
Wait til she sees the pic of her vag in court docs.
He used the phrase "no problemo" in a sext. It's over.
She was kinda cute. So long as you don't mind neck tattoos and bad life choices.
Ok, so technically yes she wore a red tank top to the stoplight party. But under it was a yellow bra and green panties.
He made the Waffle House lady get me out of the car. This isn't a joke.
NEW HOUSE RULE! If you make it in a chicks cleavage it's 3 cups and bra off.
BP at your house from now on.
I never turn down an adventure. My life is like a sexual Lord of the Rings.
Why can't burritos get me drunk
I have his gate key so know he has to see me again.
I just wanted to personally thank you for throwing clementine slivers at me across the room while we made out
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
Its like he got lessons from Jesus on how to use his tongue. And his dick.
Randomize