she danced around my room naked waving around the gold trojan magnum condoms singing "i have the golden ticket."
little did she know i was taping her the whole time.
I'm wearing boardshorts as underwear to work. This is bachelorhood
I had a dream that our used condom started talking to me. I told me that I did an amazing job, and told me that it saved me. From aids.
We just took turns doing keg stands. 27 is way too old for this. Out of 5 of us, our best time was 9 seconds.
I've decided I'm gonna attack people with the toilet plunger.
Yes and yes. Got taken to a Florida strip club. I desperately want to flood my eyes and ears with hand sanitizer right now.
DO IT, or I'll send you pictures of my hickey to remind you of your loneliness
You told me "I need to pound this drinks if I'm going to pretend his dick is big enough" then left. Dollar night quotes 2012
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
You're doing a terrible job of letting me hook up with girls vicariously through you.
So wise, so handsome, so good at oral sex.
Side note: Hot guys are now getting with ugly chicks. Alert the media.
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
HAMMERED.. I made a peanut butter and jelly sandwich with toilet paper instead of bread...
If there's someone that knows accidental pantlessness, it's Mike.
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