I had sex with her because I didn't want to hurt her feelings.. You're the one who told me I should be more sensitive.
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
I don't think my arm is broken I can still text
After the second day the hotel realized I wasn't responsible enough to have a comforter, so they took it for the rest of the trip.
At least in the future when we're all real people we can laugh about the time we all had scabies together?
I'm sexting at the thanksgiving dinner table...this is a new holiday tradition.
If you wake up soonish don't worry. I took your dog to burger king and now we're going to see some nice girls.
I know that we've never been that tight but I want you to meet my cat before I move.
I want to be your penis for a week.
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
Oh my god did you actually lose a tooth
fuck off. It's 10am and I'm drink gin and ginger ale through a twizzler straw. My life is marvellous
I downloaded the presidential playlists for offline listening. And Obama made a night one so we have presidential approved fuck jamzzzzz. Thanks Obama!
Who wants to play the "pick up your shit from our floor because you're not paying rent or dating either of us" game?
Can you explain to me why I showed my boobs to the firemen to get free beer?
Randomize
