I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
I would kick you in the vagina but I'm afraid I would lose my shoe.
Ps what kind of horrible ppl are we that we both checked blackberries during sex and neither minded?
we just toasted to your mouth on alex's balls at the bar
I woke up and he had cut my bangs and put makeup on me.
I don't care how good they make you look, you've got to stop sleeping with gay guys.
I tried to tell her I've only slept with 3 other people...she then named off 5 of her sorority sisters I fucked and asked me if she should continue
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
I'm staying at his house to solve the homeless situation. There's a freezer bag of weed in the fridge. He doesn't know it's there, and he's not missing it so I may have an income soon.
After fooling around at the hotel til dawn, I managed to feed her with my free buffet passes. Tastes like sweet victory.
It's like fucking tetris in this bed
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
Jungle juice breakfast? No? Ok.
Well, if I’m not getting dick or sleep then I’m not interested.
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
I'm going to start talking to Bill again, he has friends with boats which means we'll get to go on boats.
Randomize
