He told me to fart on his lap because the vibrations turned him on
if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
They past out watching a re-run of the 1984 presidential debate on cspan
What was your penis's nickname in high school? Also, what was it's theme song?
First coke bust down the road. Spring is finally here.
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
How the hell did he get a boner in that type of situation?
Come to me. Jacob is confessing his love and all I want is a hot dog. With chili. Not love.
I found your knife. It was stuck in my bedroom ceiling.
My 7 yo sister is trying to talk my mom into buying her a strawberry margarita. Happy Cinco de Mayo.
Locals got pissed I was talking to the barmaid. Tried to tell me that they keep all the good beer at "a Soho walkup" Google saved me
IM GOING TO SIT ON YOUR FACE AND CHANT 'I BELIEVE THAT WE WILL WIN'
I just used my citation as a bookmark. Want a beer?
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
Randomize
