i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
I found my crush's facebook page. And his wife's. Apparently they are still in love. Of all the people to have happy marriages! Fuck, I'm depressed.
why didn't you say something constructive like "stop chugging that vodka"?
These 5 days benders will be the death of me. Just living and breathing is a struggle right now.
i spent 45 minuets spilling my heart out to him telling him i was in love with this other guy sorry. when i was done he asked me to give him a blow job. i did. i have commitment problems
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
STOP HOOKING UP WITH SOCCER MOMS! YOU ARE RUINING MY REPUTATION!
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
I woke up next to a box of cheese bread it was super romantic
Guy just walked in with a 40 and a Honda steering wheel. Where the fuck am I?
I'm bleeding and intoxicated as I'm walking to my final right now. Wish me luck
He brought me a bottle of Jack, got me off 3 times, & then left. This is the best fakelationship ever!
I'm gonna write a book entitled "when you give a cop a cookie..."
I don't even want to know.
Just found a handle of Tito's in my TV stand
Can't recall when I put that there, but let's goooo
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