yo - did your mom get a boob job (I think she did)
too bad you can't see the clap by looking at her face.
she is a standing ovation.
Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
I just bought the ATT family protection plan so that I could block all of my old bar hookups from booty calling me...
No more Raisinettes before sex. That's what happened. I just put it together
We're gona eat taco bell and then take exlax and see who can hold it in the longest. Loser has to pay for drinks all weekend. You in?
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
mike is out of commission and cannot make breakfast. he's sitting with two frozen waffles on his face & smiling like an idiot.
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
I had sex while you were puking this morning and I'm sorry. Kind of.
It's ok. I had sex while you were drunk crying last night. We're even.
Eating breakfast at 1:30 in the afternoon stark naked is how everyone should live
Puking out the window is really hard when you're the one driving.
Its not something you can force it it just has to happen like a rainbow or pooping
Btw I puked in your glovebox
Randomize
