I think my hot accountant is wearing banana republic. I miss the days when that ='ed gay. Signals are so confusing now.
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
I was in the shower, he came in, had me give him a blow job, and left. I'm pretty sure I was just booty called. While taking a shower.
Well were gunna have to wash the couch cover now...maybe even the couch, soap or fire your decision
Is eating fries while lying on the floor bad for you?
If I choke and die at least I will have been doing something I love
I really want to fuck that guy in the full wind breaker suit
My mom just told me the story of how she met my dad through prison. How was your saturday?
who's idea was it to start the NCAA tournament less than a week after St. Patrick's day? My liver needs time to recover for things like this.
He asked me if I wanted to blow his whistle and proceeded to pull out an actual whistle.
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
I think the sex rug burn on my back is infected, can you check it out when you get home?
He offered me my choice of the Abe Lincoln or Ben Franklin dick pic.
Make me food? I don't want to be a science experiment. I'm dunk. Holy shit. Drunk*. Let's do science.
I pretty much just wake up, masturbate at least twice, and go to the beach. #Unemployed. I do look for jobs in between all that tho.
Annoying and petty is the name of the game and I'm the MVP.
Randomize
