the real housewives reunion is on...i wanna see if danielle can look any more surprised than the facelift allows
i wanna see dina punch her face back to normal
two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
Well for one thing, she was eating rice with a shot glass.
just 'accidentally' changed my relationship status to 'in an open relationship' just to see what offers I might get if I were to dump him. it's not looking good
When did our fuck buddy relationship, turn into me babysitting his dog?
i'm not even sure i have knees anymore. that awesome.
Gym?
Sweet baby Jebus, no. I'm Motley Crue hungover. This must be how it feels to rail a line of ants.
I feel like I was dropped out of a helicopter. Through the propeller.
Would it be wildly inappropriate for me to tailgate a Jonas brothers concert?
What if he stabs me in the back, mid-orgasm, as I sit on his face? It'd be a miraculous way to go but that's not the point
Puking in the Ritz Carlton bathroom was actually kind of a nice experience
Literally told everyone you're my idol cause you ate a chicken nugget off a sword
Is it weird that sometimes I like to have sex for the health benefits and workout more than the pleasure
Fuck you i've put so many pretzels in her shirt
Good Morning! You are sterile right?
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