and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
Ever have a poop and think... that has no business coming out of a human? Like it looks like a sick dog's or a ferral animal's?
Friday was tragic. I was naked on top of him and he didn't have a condom. Oh and he had an Obama poster on the wall in front of his bed so our president was staring down at me while I was naked. I felt sorta bad.
You should've just screamed yes we can!
No, seriously, 1.5 gallons of sangria plus two days of untapped cock. Waiting here. For you.
Nobody knew what to do when it was dead. You said fire up the George Foreman, I've never ate baby shark. She hasn't stopped crying.
Life lesson today, a six foot hot guy I meet at a party CANNOT fit on my bike with me.
well, the drug dealer I've been fucking the past 5 months gave me a chilis gift card for Christmas, so things are looking up.
Dear future Eric, sorry about the Everclear. Sincerely, Eric +2 shots E.C.
I can't! Its just like the night that I bathed you, I didn't tell anyone.
She's currently doing somersaults across the kitchen floor without underwear on. We may not make it to the bar.
He stopped me mid blowjob and asked me to take off my hat. He said it made him feel like Neil Young was going down on him.
I'm excited for him and his new girlfriend. I'm just going to miss his penis is what I'm saying.
Heard about your divorce. Let me know if I can do anything for you or your penis ;-)
I get so pissed when there is something that NEEDS to be made fun of and you're not here.
Randomize
