i was focused on more important things... like standing, and not spilling my beer
I'm sorry for coming into your work place and trying to smuggle you out in my purse.
You now know someone who has just successfully talked his way out of being arrested for breaking into the town library at midnight. Ive been home for too long.
You would be married by May if you put half as much energy into getting straight guys as you do into getting gay guys
Bring a bathing suit for the glitter slip n slide
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
Just took a shot of tequila with a random guy at the supermarket. Happy cinco de fourth.
The only thought that went through my head was "that would be an absolute disaster" so of course I said yes
no it was not a "magical experience". After we dropped, he just sat there staring at my laptop going "apple makes beautiful things".
He said he wanted to sit next to the fountain so he could "watch the water hit the other water".
Is it bad that I'm using the photo I took for my fake ID as my linkedin profile pic?
Plus he is a pilot so I could give him flight dome
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
I get dinner and bf perks from the one guy. But dick with no commitment from the other. I’m living my best life.
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
Randomize
