Not that I thought your boyfriend was a phile
But the whole crossing guard thing? Weird.
Why do girls always cry at the bar?
What's the point of going out if you're going to cry all night?
Are they having an exestensial crisis at the bar?
This guy told us that for a dollar and two cigarettes he'd let Megan stomp on his crotch. We were gonna refuse, but we figured someone had to keep him from passing his stupid genes along.
I'm at the cafe. It's 7am. There is a girl I don't know on my futon who tried to tickle me this morning when I got down from my loft. I also not wearing any underwear.
she told me i tasted like america
The bloodstain in the garden looks like a sad face. Like I don't already know this is bad...
He asked me if we could throw a lingerie party together so I guess he's single again
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
If you don't let me come over I'm gonna call you on speaker and you have to listen to her scream and moan too
Our apt smells like hot shit marinated in oregano and cumin. No more taco truck dinner, fuck face. The wall paper is peeling.
My vagina still hurts from yesterday. That's the last time I think riding a mop bucket is a good idea. Don't let me do that again
Ever find a porn video so groundbreaking you mentally cancel all your Dick Appointments for the week?
It's very finicky. Like baking. or BDSM.
Shame - the story of my life.
Randomize
