He has such a weird drunk-voice.
dude, he's deaf.
I'm jealous of your bromance
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
I was informed last night that im not allowed to pick up the bouncers and carry them around anymore. Last sat is starting to make more sense
he broke up with her mid blow job, and somehow convinced her to finish. I want his life
Ew. He is mine. We all know that if he has a mid-life crisis and decides to sleep with a student, I AM THAT STUDENT. She's not friends with him on FB. Reassuring.
Just fyi there is a naked girl somewhere in your house. I woke up and she was gone, definitely left her clothes tho
One minute we were ordering sandwhiches. The next hes peeing in a trash can yelling at kids about how tv made him this way
Your ability to eat ass like its your job and yet turn down quinoa because it's "gross" is confusing.
All I did was call him a fucker when he took my pot. He didn't have to arrest me.
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
i woke up to drewlling on a plate of eggrolls half naked halfway between my bed and the floor, and i have no idea where my pants went
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
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