She jerked me off while she drove us back from Denver going 70mph. It was both the scariest and most erotic moment of my life.
My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
I just want you to sit on my face and to tell you you're pretty. Most girls would leap at this opportunity.
Apparently unused tampons can also double as things to bite down on during public sex to prevent screaming...
So maybe putting the blacklight above the futon wasn't the best idea...
I feel like calling off tonight. Is a strong desire for masturbation a valid reason?
The number of times I have seen your cock and the number of times I have wanted to see your cock are different!
Apparently at 2 AM I decided to let the world know about my newfound love for elephants
It was awk he was sittin on a plastic backyard chair in his underwear and high white socks in the dark watching the nuggets game
This is the Santa Claus of hangovers. It just keeps giving.
I ate 2 pot cookies before we left the house. Fuck Pokemon. I'm playing my own game.
It's just not St. Patrick's Day until someone pukes on your panties.
Ok. After that I think I'm going to drag queen jello wrestling if you would care to join.
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
Randomize
