U dropped me off n it hit me, i made it inside for exactly shit thirty on the nose, another minute n i would of had brown trowsers
Ps there is totally a drug addled prostitute in olympic pizza asking for change for a 100 bill
I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
He looks like a mix between a retired piano teacher and a cat that just swallowed a sock.
Definitely got drunk and sent her a literal picture of my asshole. I titled it " you"
No, listening to the fray and drinking a bottle of jack daniels does not count as counseling
That's all? I'm a pro at gay chicken. I'll touch his dick, I have no problem with that.
She told me a motorboat isn't successful unless they come out gasping for air. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED!!!
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
i just told him to get ready, because I'm going to be taking out my anger over the Super Bowl out on his penis.
So this is my life now? Laying in bed texting about Hulk penis?
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
This is the worst drive ever. Im hungry, hungover, i gotta shit so bad, and the only radio station im getting clearly is playing alvin and the chipmunks christmas songs
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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