ps i may or may not be wearing a sequined bra
so the situation is a+b=c where "a" is how much you weight, "b" is my gravitational pull, and "c" is how erect your penis is.
new excercise plan: walk a mile get a bj then walk a mile home
I think hes settled down now. He's just licking the walls and the windows.
Omg he's telling my parents stories about him doing jaagerbombs ... Lord help me
Our neighbors just passed us a blunt from their deck, and are hooking us up.
I just baked them cookies. We're friends now.
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
Is eating fries while lying on the floor bad for you?
If I choke and die at least I will have been doing something I love
They don't even know who I am but they just woke me up with maracas and invited my boobs to a kegger
She said if her future children dont have blue eyes she wont love them
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
You're right. I woke up today with my ugly sweater still on and no pants. I'd say it was a successful night.
Grab some lube and condoms and you get a free shirt? College is weird
You're the third Mark I've fucked in that bed.
just saw the most amazing side boob. i wanted to hold it.
Randomize
