TXT her NOW! The phone is actually IN her Va-Jay-Jay!!
they say celebs die in threes. leave it to billy mays to throw in one extra COMPLETELY FREE!
My vagina smells like strawberry tangerine twist.
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
other girls like to lick balls but none of them live for it like u do
did you know that snuggie is the perfect anti-freak out aid for stoners? it weighs you down so you can't go anywhere. just sit there and enjoy the movie, that's right.
It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
Just got judged by the front desk clerk, 2 maids and a security guard at the Sheraton. I've decided to use this as a character building experience.
Why i have shady connections. Owner just txt me asking to come by and judge the new stripper.
Don't worry I'm alive. The apt is all locked up so I'm sleeping on the patio. The frozen pizza I got might be toast unless someone lets me in soon. If not its all good I'll be here snoring on the patio
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
I told my manager I was trying to conserve my energy for date night/Sexual Olympics later. That's legit for another break, right?
Yo whoever left a thong on the dining room table, first of all get help second of all please remove it now
I just saw puke on the road at the same stoplight i threw up at sunday morning! Makes me smile inside.
Randomize
