i'm pregaming while finishing a paper on cardio myocyte contractility in mice. i'm kicking finals week's ass right now
Is it wrong that I want to take the baby bump in her facebook pictures as "meal-ticket"?
This theraflu would make for a great margarita.
I can make a sudafedarita
it's like I can see my whorish nature reflected back at me in his wedding ring.
I mean I sucked his dick at 3 AM... UNDERWATER. I think I have earned a follow back on twitter.
I spent 10 minutes contemplating condensation on grapes this morning.
I just need to stick to one night stands and delete social media
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
The notary thing was a good idea. I can charge $2 per signature. I'm currently being paid in beer.
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
...and if you can get the necessary ingredients to make the Buffalo Chicken Melt, I will latch forever at your Teat of Justice.
National tequila day this year falls on a Monday. I've never been more disappointed in my life.
You reached new levels of laziness. After we woke you up to take shots with us, you stayed in bed so you didn't have to move when you were drunk and sleepy
I'm at her wedding and she managed to get every single one night stand I ever had in her wedding party. Why does she hate me?
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
Randomize
