my sister and i are watching a movie and pregaming together. and by pregaming i mean shes not drinking since she 14 and im drinking alone.
thats the mark of a good guy. when you can period all over his leg and he still thinks you're beautiful!
I heard porn and smelled bacon cooking. I knew you had to be home.
please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again.
You're going to have to tell him your name isn't Ivor McTruckson eventually.
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
I think I might be drunk enough to cut my own hair
I just got woken up by some Christians who wanted to talk about the bible. ways to make a hangover even worse for a thousand trebek
He will be forever remembered as "birthday failure" ...Got him to pierce his tongue in my bathroom, but not sleep with me......
Just saw the mall santa roll by on a rascal scooter holding a chic-fil-a milkshake and stop to chat up trio of cute 20-somethings. New hero.
How is it that I, the only one that didn't drink last night, was the only one puking out the car window?
So we were in bed when his brother walks in, walks over to me, fist bumps me and says he just wanted to say hi, then leaves...so random lmao
Plus you get to call him out on being a dick. It's more satisfying than ever sex I've ever had.
Hey remind me the get the pancakes out of my jacket
But at least i made friends with the nice lesbian cop. She knew i was her kind when she had to confiscate my rainbow/pride rolling papers.
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