There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
I woke up face down on my laptop with three windows open: itunes, chat roulette and redtube
He was like a Bill Nye the science guy of sex....he was telling me things about my clitoris that I didn't even know
Was waiting for the adderal to kick in then realized I had been brushing my teeth for eighteen minuites
She was telling me which girls she thought I should fuck or not at the bar. Why can't all one night stands be that cool after?
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
Woke up the day after the party with a bruise on my stomach. Pretty sure my liver was trying to escape for fear of it's life.
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
I walked home with him, but I had to pee...so I did...as we walked. He was so drunk he didn't even notice. Good thing I was in a dress.
Dude I should have just gone home with the guy with dreads and the cat
so you ordered business cards online last night with a picture of your dick on them. you need to hide that new credit card when you drink
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
please tell dad to clear the porn off his tablet before he lends it to anyone from now on
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
Left him blackout in the cab, gave 20$ to the cabbie and said drive until the meter said he wasn't getting a tip.
Bangkok has him now.
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