I love girls that fake tan. Can you say p p p p p p p p pumpkin face
where are you?
sonic
Good. I hungoveredly cleaned your room. This is what being married is going to be like. I pick the condoms up off the floor and you bring home the hot dogs.
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
I woke up under a table, with a huge Mexican sombrero, a box of 120 doughnuts and a bloody nose. It all screams success.
and he said i stripped him down, hand cuffed him to his bed post, and tickled his arm pits, and then continued to watch The Hangover.
i just wanna lock my vagina in a safe filled with bandaids and healthy things
Tequila shots with cinnamon and orange write it down before I forget
gorilla chasing a banana on crotch rockets. Halloween is getting way too real
am i new drunk or am i still drunk
We're super invested in me shitting to my full potential
She was on top, but I lost her at "alright, you look like predator."
I think you're overestimating how drunk I was
You said your pillow felt like the ocean...
You could cut the tension with my nipples.
Throwing up in a storm drain... Not my finest moment.
But my shoes looked boss
Randomize
