It was like his mom forgot to breastfeed him and he was making up for lost time.
My pussy is not your playground.
Sometimes i look at the biltmore estate and wonder just how small George Vanderbilt's penis was...
High as balls & about to be tanning. Helloooo 15 minute vacay.
Hairspray is covering 85% of my body. Help.
Wait until you see the roof.
Reason #1 for no sex outdoors: Mosquito bites. Awkward, awkward mosquito bites.
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
My ATM looks so different sober.
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
We have such limited time together he literally sends me text messages that are like "I sent my roommates on an impossible quest, we have 15 minutes." it's that bad.
You flew out of the bedroom, stole two Solo cups from the beer pong table, put them on your feet, clicked your heels together three times
This is gonna be a long day for my vagina and I
I just want a boyfriend who will have sex to Disney Pandora.
I look at it as community service. He was going through a rough time and I gave him an ego boost. That's how we're going to remember it. I was doing a good deed lol
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
Randomize
