just chased whiskey with a pickle. i definitely recommend it
Just found the bucket list I wrote when I was high...somehow I dont think "jello swimming pool" is gonna happen.
The polaroid of me taking a test-tube of Jegar out of the gay guys mouth pretty much explains my trip to Spain.
Nobody in the ambulance liked me...
I'm sorry, when did "I like your shit" become an acceptable pickup line?
You straddled the banister and fell down the stairs, then proceeded to crawl back up them, I think you need to lay down
You sent me a picture of you holding a goat then asked me if I would have day sex
So his roommate walked in on us, went upstairs to tell her bf she has found a new use for the rafters & they must try it.
He's over here like "remember those pics you sent me a couple years ago? Those were hot." And I'm like "remember talking about what we were gonna name our kids a couple months ago? That was hot." Therein lies the disconnect
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
I only wore my thong with cheeseburgers on it because I thought we'd have sex. So I basically wasted my best thong for nothing.
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
I think it's time for tequila and I to go our separate ways
last night you said that you wanted to hold my dick as you slept because it was like having a stuffed animal.
all I remember is them saying he had a big dick and the next thing I know I’m leaving with him
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