non applicator tampons are so hard to put in when your drunk. i fingered myself for 10 minutes and forgot what i was trying to do.
You said you were collecting Asians for your Kate Gosselin costume.
He kissed my cheek and I could smell it the whole way home like shit
we literally hit three floors of our apartment building searching for condoms. also got macaroni.
Oh btw I took the eighth out of the plastic wrap so I could use it to wrap my red pepper. This can be seen as either pathetic or resourceful.
well... just scaled a wall and entered the bar through the balcony. just making some last minute memories nbd.
some guy i've known for a week sent me nudes saying "you're welcome" i need an award for this birthday
We have to have sex while I'm dressed as a tiger. It's one of my life goals
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
I'm going to miss hockey season. It was the best excuse to get drunk on a Tuesday night.
We were just sitting together and this guy walks up to us and says, "you ladies are drinking too slow", puts a 5 dollar bill on the table and just leaves the bar. Helloooo Taco Bell
i'm gonna crowd surf you onto his dick
They walked into the house to see me in my neon pink knee high socks trying to pull you out of the cat carrier by your legs...
There's a big difference between a penis and a toilet.
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