Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
she told me her two favorite things were grocery stores and dick.
i lost virginity while listening to candy shop. something in my life has finally gone right.
It took him three days to realize his roommate had moved out.
You need to tell him your pregnant or we need to stop playing doubles beer-pong. My liver is begging you.
Would you even take no as an answer? I have a feeling you see it more as a challenge.
Dude, you can't even imagine the trip, I actually thought that there were Care Bears sitting next to me at the bar, I'm pretty sure I started hitting on the pink one.
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
There is a special place in Hell for whichever one of you put Ben Gay on my dildo. It was a very uncomfortable April 1.
Well its official, I'm into significantly freakier sex than even I thought possible.
Can't decide if this guy is hot or if I'm just bored.
Sex is clearly the solution either way.
i just hope we're both dead or in prison at the same time
I definitely almost just pulled a condom out of my purse instead of money for my dad.
Randomize
