apparently he thought telling me 'the weasel wants to come out to play' would somehow convince me to go down on him
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
I might have beaten my fastest all time record going from "I really really like this girl" to "fuck that bitch"
I'm in the power napping at parties stage of my life
Please don't mistake my med student status for responsibility. I'm drinking tequila while studying vascular surgery techniques.
Wanna smoke some ancient weed I just found in a box of cake mix?
I should have bailed a long time ago. I mean, he has a bible verse-a-day app next to his dick pics in his phone.
You are in a fancy European city. The best way to truly experience the city is through Tinder
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
I guess what I'm trying to get to is that my dog sneezed on my dick earlier and its really taken the joy out of my evening.
I'm alone, 3 beers in, and cutting tshirts into belly tops.
Like my mom really needs to know just how non existent my sex life is
i was ready to conquer the fucking world. i would have fought vin deisel to the death without hesitation
Did you put my shoes in the freezer.
Nope. I did however put them in the kiddie pool you pissed in in the living room before Tyler put them in the freezer. Ass hole.
i have to pee so bad and he is sleeping and idk where the bathroom or my clothes are!!!
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