it was better than the time i puked and I forgot to open the lid of the toilet
he asked me to eat out his asshole. after five minutes of uncomfortable staring i realized he was serious.
no guy is ever going to take you seriously as a potential marriage prospect unless you learn to swallow
This girl brought half a watermelon to class. I want to be on her level.
What can I say, he stumbled upon the key to my heart: orgasms and mac 'n cheese.
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
Saturday evening, however, will be my vodka and bubble wrap extravaganza.
You should have hard cock pics on hand to send in the situation that you can't stop driving, pull out your cock, browse the countless pics I've sent you of my tits, get him hard and text a pic through. I mean, it's simple sexting ettiquette.
My parents just told me that if I stop drinking I could do something great with my life...
They obliviously haven't seen you dance on top of a pool table then
Fucking that physical therapist guy was the best decision I ever made.
He said he was Greek American and that is why my legs slammed shut. During the World Cup there are only Americans.
That's true because who the fuck doesn't love Harry Potter and beer
Hey, YOU try working out drunk every night! Besides, I think at least one of those bruises is a hickey.
Did you fill my inhaler with tequila?
Yeah, so?
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