Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
Why wouldn't u just let me ride the washing machine
i just went 2 months without giving head... thats like two months without coffee. or two months without sun.
Can we talk about how i am holding a tupperware container of my own puke in the back of my grandparents car while my sister drives
Is it bad that I want a job purely so I can buy drugs with without feeling like I am sacrificing my future?
Why do you think I have a job?
I was in the bathroom and I heard a phone ding inside one of the stalls. I really wanted to say, nature is calling, but I was still in my work uniform
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
I told him to come over when I realized that I did have time for a quick booty call before church.
I walked in on my sister eating my leftover burrito naked. How could my night have gotten any worse?
I didn’t not spend thanksgiving morning making out with him in a diner parking lot
I woke up next to a Big Mac box.. And had no sheets or clothes on. The night was a success I think.
we should get together and get drunk.
On a Monday?
don't discriminate against mondays.
Like if I exploded right now there would be cum and fajitas everywhere.
Well hell, he's gotta sleep in the bed he's made. Multiple times. For multiple girls I'm sure.
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
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