I don't care if he acts like a don't exist 6 days a week. On the 7th day he makes makes my vagina cry. In a good way. Jesus understands.
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
I gave up my innocence when I let him cum in my spelling bee trophy
I asked her to make me water, which in turn meant get me a glass. She handed me a cup of microwaved ice cubes.
I'm stoned entirely off resin. Licking my blankets. Merry Christmas. Jesus died for our sins. Yay Jesus. I love you.
Know of anyone who would be interested in trading weed for meatballs?
My vagina feels like it's been kissed by angels.
I feel like Captain Morgan shit all over my hopes and dreams last night...
The little girl I'm babysitting is having a tea party, the water and chips she's passing out are doing wonders for my hangover.
sometimes you just gotta eat tacobell at 2am and cry all your feelings out
I just let my boss bend me over his desk and spank me. I think that is some sort of American dream.
I will 100% jerk off using my own tears as lube before I'd ever bang a 4.
Stumbled out of my bed this morning into the bathroom at 8 am still drunk, obviously. The Mormon on my floor was in the bathroom. I could practically hear her doing hail marys for me.
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
Randomize
