my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
There are eight sets of guys I've made out with who have the same name. It's like noah's ark in my mouth.
So how was your new years? Did u ride a horse at 3am in zero degree weather? Because I sure did
I mean you would really have to try to not have fun at a party that doesn't require pants....
Oh, AND I met a ukulele teacher that I'd date. So there's that.
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
He's like a computer from 2001 in a 2014 world. It just doesn't work. Lots of glitches.
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
I'm proud of all of us. Somehow we all survived another Jägerbomb Tuesday
I had sex in a panda mask the other night.
I'm in Home Depot and I can feel the straight bob the builders staring at me. I bet it's like I have a rainbow arrow pointing at me.
Oh god establish a safe word
I'm going to! Pineapple.
I knew I no longer wanted to bone him when he put the Grease soundtrack on as "mood music", no guy looks attractive singing and dancing to greased lightning naked.
I am eating croutons on my bathroom floor. Are you happy?!
Hypothetically speaking of course, is it bad if a cat eats lube?
Randomize