i just took a sip of diet coke and i said " as soon as it hits my lips i wanna smoke a cig." then i thought of your dick.
If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
yay, now i'm not the only homewrecker.
yeah but i stopped sleeping with him after i found out he was married.
He said he used to draw on the walls with poop when he was a kid.
apparently drunk me likes to play hide the puke.. was not a fun time washing all my legos.
Send me the video of myself under the polar bear skin. It's important.
He gave me a trycicle he stole from a kid as an "offering" to have sex. I couldnt say no when he went through all that.
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
Maybe if more guys knew my pillowtalk occasionally includes me scribbling notebook diagrams of cell signalling pathways, I'd get laid more often
Was that you I seen riding on the top of a cab? Way to start the new year
It sucks laughing and vomiting at the same time, trust me. I kind of remember
Finally had sex in the new kitchen. Burnt the hamburgers and hit myself in the face with the freezer door. Worth it.
Like I'm getting finger banged and my family is making cookies in the kitchen. Talk about terrifying
Good dick will make you do a lot of things… Great dick will make you consider buying a house.
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