DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
he literally had a slideshow of all the girls hes had sex with pictures set to american woman
I went to the gas station and the lady goes I remember you. Broken sunglasses and puke on your car.
Well he told me I'd never be a wizard, and so I responded with you'll never have a big penis. After that we both just sat there and cried.
there is no amount of schooling that prepares you for when your morbidly obese 45 year old patient tells you she has her clit pierced.
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
I swear the crows are laughing at me.
You my friend are stoned into submission
I found his Linkedin the day after he created it. Too stalkerish or just right?
Got a traffic ticket on the way home.. Literally cost me $171 to give him a blowjob. I swear the officer could smell the cum in my hair.
We're going to party like we don't have spanx on
I just had a flashback to me puking and you telling me it was okay because my boobs still looked awesome.
drinking vodka out of a wine glass to feel a little bit classier about myself.
She ripped her shorts off and yelled "VAGINA TIME!"
Randomize
