I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
bro im too drunk for your spanish code words. did you fuck her or not.
Hahhaha I literally just rolled outta bed and went to get beer in my pj's and slippers. God I love graduating
i threw up in a box in my own lap driving today.
Call me when you get off. I have stories about black lesbians in jail begging to braid my hair...
All i really wanna do tonight is get drunk with you and dance on tables. is that too much to ask?
I don't think you should be sorry for such memorable sex that I yell your name when you aren't around.
My dick pics could make it to the popular page on Instagram.
Do you remember biting my ear and whispering quotes of Pride and Prejudice last night?
Literally sitting on my bed in the dark trying not to throw up
We'll never be able to grow apart now. You can't look at a stranger & say "Yea I ate goldfish crackers off his dick." & just be casual about that.
I'm just hitting the tip of the iceberg on accents for this trip...so basically my panties are done for.
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
Upon further investigation my nipples are bruised and I have teeth marks all over.
Wakes up in a cold sweat at 3am, 136 unread messages and the preview on the notification is "I JUST GOT TO THE INCEST PART"
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