kyle and i were puking, simultaneously, off the front porch at 4 am, and in the middle of it he looks up, reaches his hand over, and says "knucks." And then I proceeded to fist bump him. By farrr the best time I've ever had puking.
The musician playing at the bar just puked inside his acoustic guitar, then sang an encore performance. I love Louisa!!!!
you're letting him buy you a plane ticket...to kentucky...so you can fuck him?
i know. i'm only adding to the interstate sex trade problem.
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
You took a bar mat shot.
It's just weird. It's like Big Bird dating Meg Griffin.
Apparently I told a girl last night, that's she's super beautiful and I don't want to fuck she just deserves being eaten out
Make way for the handjob queen! She will grab what she wants, when she wants, and from whomever she wants.
I was woken up at 6 am by a second grader trying to give me a sweatshirt for a pillow
I was just randomly reminded of the night you were wrapped up in a bed sheet carrying a full bottle of cookie dough vodka and warning neighbors of the weirdos running around
It was all fun and games until she said "you're so pretty I wanna punch you in the face" and the proceeded to punch her in the face
CRAIGSLIST IS NOT THE ANSWER
IM LONELY AND HORNY
I would throw a dart into the Olympic ceremony and fuck whoever it hit
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
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